The burn... of vulnerable

January 11, 2018

 

These are days of rays, racing thoughts... and disconnected words.
Robes of white, smiles brave, and laying prone, in prayer.
Press repeat, then count the beeps... upon a morning breastboard.

Day 12 of radiation treatments... my spirit in a mixture. My physical... is adapting well. My mind... is feeling somewhat off, separated, from my soul.
The burn... of vulnerable.

I'm physically feeling strong, and holding onto faith and gratitude, that this cancer is showing me how to know amazement... in the little things. Cliches, yes... but within that, a truth.
How my timing, has changed. I'm slower... behind the world. My tasks are but a millisecond off the pace... of my surroundings. I'm on my own separate, silent plane, and find... I'm happy here.

My positivity is high, I'm sure I've got this.
I don't know how I'll feel when the treatments are through. I'll miss the doctors, the support of the incredible staff who brought me through this. I'll ring the gong... be officially pronounced "cancer-free."
Yet, the what-if's taunt. What of my future? I silence their inflated voices, deafening their soundtrack... flatting, pressing those unspoken thoughts deep... beneath a bell jar.

I'll be ecstatic to end these treatments, leaving surgery behind me, to begin my 'new normal'... as this journey continues on. Always more scans ahead, and the swallow of a five-to-ten year pill... to keep any new cancers, unattached.

I long to say the words, 'I used to have cancer.' I pray I'll be saying it... for the next 30 years.
 

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